since he was first diagnosed.
I'm a bit confused really. My problem is that when I feel a bit
better about Ben's death I feel worse and when I feel worse I feel
better. Mmm... sounds like I am confused doesn't it? But perhaps it
all makes sense. I think it goes like this:
As time goes by, my experience (and I only speak for myself) is that
my moments of anguish and tears are getting more spaced out. So on
that score, I'm feeling a bit better. But as I reflect on that, I feel
the pain of letting go of Ben and not feeling the intenisity of pain
that losing him deserves. If I don't feel that intensity then it seems
he's further away and I am not valuing the relationship as I should.
And for that, I feel worse. So when I feel better I also feel worse.
And when I feel worse I feel better because the most painful moments
are also the moments of feeling closest to Ben: remembering his voice
and life together and moments in hospital, particularly the last few
days.
So grief has its stages and ambiguities doesn't it? And for the
counsellors amongst this blog's readers: don't worry, I'm not racked
with guilt for not feeling worse... but thank you for caring!
May this Easter be a time of thinking about resurrection and the One
in whom Ben trusted for his own resurrection.
Chris
> May this Easter be a time of thinking about resurrection and the One in whom Ben trusted for his own resurrection.
ReplyDelete1 Cor 15:19
Kris nods. I know this one too.
ReplyDeleteEstos días he estado pensando en Benjamín.
ReplyDeleteLa Pascua, como dijo Chris, es un tiempo para pensar en Aquel que dio Su vida por nosotros, por él.
Leyendo los posteos de Chris sobre el dolor, la finitud y la confusión me acordé de una canción de Jars of Clay, "Frágil".
El último verso de esta canción dice "Tu dolor se convierte en mi paz".
Él enjugará toda lágrima de nuestros ojos. Amén.
***
These days I've been thinking about Ben.
Easter, as Chris said, is a time to think about the One Who gave His life for us and for him.
Reading Chris' posts about pain, finitness and confusion reminded me of a song by Jars of Clay, "Frail".
The last verse of this song is "Your pain becomes my peace".
He will wipe every tear from our eyes. Amen.
Dear Chris and Lindy, been thinking specially of you all and Ben these days, specially on Friday and Sunday.
ReplyDeleteI understand your mixed feelings Chris, but I'm sure Ben would be ok with your feeling "better" and he'd be glad the pain is no longer so intense.
Lindy, I made the Honey Chicken once and the boys said it was ok (but it wasn't as nice as yours....sniff, sniff.
Hope you had a happy Easter.
Love to Tim, Andy, Pete and Matt, Mercedes
A few hours after I read your post, I was cleaning out my room (I'm a hoarder from way back, and tend to keep bags and bags of irrelevant paper-work etc) .. anyway, I came across the Registration forms for a Jude's camp I helped coordinate a couple of years ago. The first form in the pile was Ben's. Under "Special dietary requirements" he had written: "copious amounts of any kind of food". It made me laugh out loud.
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter to all of you,
x Marissa
good on you Kiki
ReplyDelete