For your information...

Somebody asked about the details that we forgot to put in the blogs below. We interred Ben's ashes under a lovely big tree at Box Hill Cemetery. Yes, anyone is welcome to visit. You'll find the plaque in the grass under the big tree near the office building.

One year

Yesterday was the first anniversary of Ben's death. A year of coming
to grips with living differently.

We interred Ben's ashes in the morning, very simply. Pete is in
Vanuatu, Andy in Canberra, so it was just the four of us in the rain
under umbrellas. Appropriate weather for such things.

Last night we sizzled sausages for young friends who seemed happy to
be together again in Ben's name.

Death

Death is horrible
Death is ghastly.
No-one wants death
To occur.

Death leaves us
With an empty space
In our hearts.

Death feels lonely and
Sometimes makes you
Feel angry.

(Matt Mulherin, Nov. 2009)

Double figures Matt!

Whenever one of our boys is about to have a birthday Chris shouts and
cheers 'Double Figures!'  This is mildly hilarious as he starts when
the number is three and continues on until the double figures is
really reached. So Matt has achieved his fantastic milestone that he
has been anticipating for seven years. Does he feel that it has been
especially special? Well… We did however all have a good laugh about
it and a good laugh is solid gold - a shared good laugh is even
better.

I do hope that Matt especially, because he's still only ten, will
remember his childhood as sad but full of fun and laughter as well. He
still misses Ben daily. He misses him deeply. Its quite sobering
really because he keeps it to himself. He is going well though and
Andy, Tim and Pete, with Sally as Matt's special invitee all did a
smashing job with his party games on Friday. If "a dirty (and wet) boy
is a happy boy" is true, the whole troop of his friends went home
happy + +. It was a bit tough on some parents and their washing
machines.

The guys keep us going. Life is real. Life demands to be lived and
young guys, in our case Tim, Andy, Pete and Matt, sure know how to
find the fun in it all. We thank God for them and we thank God for
their friends, Ben's friends, and all they have been through with us.
We are told by people who know, that the 'new normal' will be how we
live the rest of our lives. What I haven't heard much of is how much
hard work that requires. We still laugh and enjoy things. We seem to
have been laughing on and off forever really. So it's not that we are
now deadly (!) serious, only that behind the laughter is a damload
full of sadness. It's great having other young men to care for, not to
mention our zippy ten year old. (Yes! He reached 'double figures'.)

On this day

On this day twenty-five years ago Lindy and I were married.

On this day one year ago Ben was in a coma and his LD levels were rising. I wrote on the blog:

Ben has a temperature returning and his LD (Lactose
Dehydrogenase) levels are rising. This is not good news as it may well
indicate the cancer is at work. If it is, it means the chemotherapy
has not done the job. If this is the case then the outlook is very
grim as there are few medical options left.

For me, that was the day I 'knew' we were going to lose our boy.

Last night as we reflected on the last year and twenty-five years, we talked about time and metaphors for grief. I wrote to a friend this morning:

Yes we're doing ok I guess... it's a long road. We were talking about 'the new normal' last night as we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We decided that wounds heal but leave scars  forever, but that so far our wound has not healed yet: it still feels pretty much like a gaping wound.

And we thought that as time goes by we would miss Ben less but we would not care any less. But so far we still miss him all the time.